paralogue.org

this is the first thread on paralogue! just wanted to say hi and ask how's everyone's day is going. or just feel free to check in and tell a story. it is up to u :)

Hi Willow! Umm, it's been a long day. I was in New York still, I had just gotten in from San Francisco.

The day before that I was on a quest to get Windows back on my Thinkpad so I could get it to my coworker, but I had "SmartWiped" the drive so that it was nuked after I had mistakenly put Ventoy on it to install Win11, which had issues, and the only other machine was a Mac without USB-A ... yada, yada, yada. I had to go to an internet cafe to get the flash drive set up, and even then it took a few hours to copy it over with Rufus. I don't know why.

By the time I did that I had spent all night onto, like, 2am to do it. And I had to get a presentation ready, or at least some draft of one ready, so that my coworkers could give it Monday morning, so I was just, cranking that out, I guess.

Now I'm home again and I've been putting Windows on my gaming laptop. I thought KDE Adaptive Sync was the only reason Nobara couldn't play games full screen; it's something much more convoluted. So I'm just accepting my fate now. I like the laptop and I don't see the point in spending the money.

Hello loggers,

Hot Girl Summer is upon us. My day is going well, a good balance of work and play. The sun is strong and with it come warmth and contentment.

Am in talks to coordinate an appearance with a new qt together in regency attire.

Stay tuned

hi paralogists,

i started a new job over a week ago and im waiting on my first payday. everybody there says i look 5 years younger than i really am. idk if i really look like a teenager

im composing for an indie game and im an idiot that didnt ask how long the tracks ought to be, so the length of the track im finalizing rn is way under what it ought to be for 20-30 min levels. thankfully, the guy is happy with what im cooking. he wants me to make a bunch of warp-style mid 90s idm modeled after tim koch and afx and autechre. i like what he's sent me as reference; he leans towards melody and 8bit sounds and doesnt like noise. so im flexing my melodic muscles and pulling out every technique i know, and as a result, im thinking way harder about it lol. this bridge section I was writing was probably the most frustrating 8 bars ive ever had to write for such a simple modulation.

im sketching out a 2d game engine for a top-down shooter game cuz im all nostalgic for flash. there's this one thats on my mind that id like to clone called the museum of science fiction. idk why it stuck in my head, cuz its so goofy looking. anyway, it's a study project, but i want to do it right, because what I really want to make is a 3d software renderer, then design an engine around that.

my cs and math study habits are embarassing, ive had this technical interview book gathering dust for about a month now, just not making time to read it and do the problems in the tree chapter. most likely because im vain and dont want to recognize where im weak yet.

heya! life is life, i guess, perhaps. though at work today i got interviewed by a college student for a paper she was writing and that was kind of interesting. her questions were adorably ill-defined!… but we all develop these skills in time.

i've been working on my one song for the year and i gave myself until the end of april to finish it, and a few days ago i decided that the best way to meet that deadline was to just cut out the parts i didn't want to write anyway. so perhaps now it's more of a sketch, but maybe that's ok. (then again, 2023's song was kind of just a sketch too…)

<a href='https://www.kartkrew.org/' rel='nofollow noopener' target='_blank'>srb2kart 2</a> is finally out… i'm excited to see how much of my life it sucks up. seeing as how i put many hundreds of hours into the original srb2kart, my feelings are complicated. like, there are the ones i have about the game itself, but those shouldn't matter right now since i'm still going through the five stages of grief over subtle mechanical changes. but there are also the thoughts i have about the fate of srb2kart itself… will ring racers completely supplant it and everyone will be moving over to the new game before too long? or will there be a dedicated sub-sub-subculture that sticks around, devoted to the original kart? after all, we've seen that happen with other online games… though maybe not when there were only ever 150–200 active players at the height of its popularity.

current album: <a href='https://youtu.be/3YiMVePdAis' rel='nofollow noopener' target='_blank'>kidorikko - c'est l'elegance na tanoshimi</a>
current anime: cardcaptor sakura

sinku wrote:

im sketching out a 2d game engine for a top-down shooter game cuz im all nostalgic for flash. there's this one thats on my mind that id like to clone called the museum of science fiction. idk why it stuck in my head, cuz its so goofy looking. anyway, it's a study project, but i want to do it right, because what I really want to make is a 3d software renderer, then design an engine around that.

What is it that appeals to you about Flash? I just remember it being like, Interactive Buddy and Xiao Xiao and whatever. I think my positive feelings about Flash got transposed onto Game Maker somehow...

watermoon wrote:

<a href='https://www.kartkrew.org/' rel='nofollow noopener' target='_blank'>srb2kart 2</a> is finally out… i'm excited to see how much of my life it sucks up. seeing as how i put many hundreds of hours into the original srb2kart, my feelings are complicated. like, there are the ones i have about the game itself, but those shouldn't matter right now since i'm still going through the five stages of grief over subtle mechanical changes. but there are also the thoughts i have about the fate of srb2kart itself… will ring racers completely supplant it and everyone will be moving over to the new game before too long?

I am not sure where I would've heard about this. I feel like I should've. How did it change?

maru wrote:

I just remember it being like, Interactive Buddy and Xiao Xiao and whatever. I think my positive feelings about Flash got transposed onto Game Maker somehow...

my history w/ flash games - flash was like the only kind of way i really got to play indie games before like, cave story with maybe a handful of exceptions (like, rpg maker stuff, or traditional roguelikes). there were always examples of stuff to play but like this was before youtube/soc media so it was pretty hard to find whatever. i spent a LOT of time both before and after i found 4chan (oh yeah, 4chan had a flash board too that got some of this in between its endless loop posts) on sites like albinoblacksheep and like, kongregate or whatever. lots of tower defense games, weird little rpgs, platformers, whatever. it's been so long i can't really give you any titles, but i know it was like a significant chunk of gaming history for me.

edit: oh yeah neopets. like 2/3 the games on neopets were flash, i think

Hiii!

I had some bad milk over the weekend so I had tummy ache, but aside from that doing alright -- I've started working with a personal trainer and I chatted with a friend about side project management, so I'm starting to use Pivotal Tracker for it. I always feel like if I talk about what I'm doing (especially if it isn't an established Thing yet) it's going to like, jinx me into not doing it haha, especially if I want to juggle a few things. I've tried Notion for this before but I don't think I was comfortable Committing to it and thus kinda sabotaged myself, although notion is lovely for bundling stuff together. And the other bit of advice I got was about having your various projects fit into a theme or structure, and I've been trying to nail that down. I think part of doing side this as an adult is that sometimes I do have to say "Ok, there's no time in my life for that", and it feels like I am giving up on a little side of myself that could be, and I feel sad about that. I think once I started reaching the latter ends of my twenties I really started appreciating the time we have and how it's limited.

A lot of my drawing skills have decayed so part of that side project management is grinding them back up into shape, which I think is working :). And a new cafe opened relatively nearby and it's really cute and there's a lovely older lady there who thought me and my friend were sisters. I hope it does well.

I just joined so I'm also hammering down finding an avatar, I wanted to spice things up but I'm not sure what a good place to look art is anymore.

Hello paralogues. It's been a long past couple weeks on my end. I lost my old job about a year ago now and have been working odd jobs since, and this week I am moving into the city for work in foodservice. No one believes me when I tell them I was a software engineer 12 months ago. :blink:

On the other end of my life, I have been continuing work on <a href='http://aceattorneyonline.com/' rel='nofollow noopener' target='_blank'>Attorney Online</a>, as well as managing a small private server for it (holding to my maxim that the best beta tester is the developer, and the next best beta testers are the developer's friends). The Qt-based software renderer continues its long history of having bizarre bugs that I usually don't have the time or energy to fix. Nothing mission-critical though, the ones that remain are slightly irritating at worst and mildly amusing at best.

It's been hectic these past few days, but the end is in sight, so I can be grateful for that. Hoping for a much more extended period of uneventful days going forward. :D

maru wrote:

I am not sure where I would've heard about this. I feel like I should've. How did it change?

it changed, well, quite a lot. in terms of presentation it feels much more like a proper game, with fully-developed single-player modes, a massive smash ultimate-style unlockable board, a tutorial mode with an eggman x tails story [s]that makes me kinda regret abandoning my own eggtails fic[/s]… and this is cool. i love this a lot, and you can really feel the passion that went into making it.

mechanically, the best way i can describe it is that it's srb2kart but more. more techniques to master, more mechanics to juggle, more variables to consider when racing. more buttons in use, and some of these buttons are overloaded with multiple actions depending on context. it's unapologetically maximalist.
in a way, this outcome makes sense, since this is similar to what kart itself became over time. nobody online ran their server completely vanilla – that'd be rather dull – and most stuffed their servers to the gills with addons that rewrite the mechanics of the game, sometimes subtly, sometimes drastically.
and i find it neat how ring racers acknowledges the popularity of these addons by "canonizing" them into the base game. so some of the new mechanics come from those, and a lot of the addon features that smoothed out the rough edges of kart 1 were poached for this as well. but then they went from there and kept adding more and more and more…

the end result is that, if kart 1 is a game with controls that are relatively simple but difficult to fully master, right now kart 2 feels like a game with so many movement options that it's hard to know what even is the right way to play…

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>(this is what happens when you ask the nerdy girl about her special interest kart racer)</span>

in1tiate wrote:

No one believes me when I tell them I was a software engineer 12 months ago. :blink:

people seem surprised when i describe my arc before i started working where im at too lol

maru wrote:

What is it that appeals to you about Flash? I just remember it being like, Interactive Buddy and Xiao Xiao and whatever. I think my positive feelings about Flash got transposed onto Game Maker somehow...

i was a really stupid kid that didnt much money to spend on games. i usually bought secondhand old games b4 i got steam. i was also wary of downloading games and wasnt very social online so i didnt know about where to get free games, so i spent my time on roblox or on flash game sites.

the flash game culture is really interesting cuz you were paid to make games for these sites to drive traffic and ad revenue for them. a lot of flash sites became mobile dev houses and shifted to microtransaction models. people are nostalgic for that time because they arent aware of the money behind it. im nostalgic for it though because the games were quaint. more complicated than old atari games for sure but still shockingly simple for how compelling they are. a few leap to mind like mud and blood 2, or jmtb02's games, or the countless sniper games that were like violent point-and-clicks. among those, some were more complicated and simulated bullet fall-off and sound travel and had upgrade systems and stories. there were some pretty good top-down shooters like SAS zombie assault that I think have a stream directly to a game like darkwood, which I love. there was also armor mayhem which was like a sidescrolling multiplayer riff on halo. lots of variety.

I feel like this is the journal thread, inadvertently.

I've been really stressed out the past few days. We lost a promising thing at work and it hit some old traumas. I did end up going to a Belle and Sebastian show that was actually really swell. I was front and centre and met many nice people and got a tote bag.

I feel like, overall, this year has involved a lot of ... well, reintegration?

I heard once that depression brings a regressed ego to the surface in order that it might interface with new experiences and reintegrate a healthier self. So whenever I'm really depressed, I seem to fall back to childhood experiences; I tinker with computers, I play Guild Wars, I listen to nerd rock or whatever. But by doing all this I seem to get myself into a mode where I can process what I'm feeling and re-emerge.

I also feel like whenever one is most childlike -- that's the ideal for a partner. When I'm most happy, I act like an enthusiastic kid. But then it falls away to a sort of weary, melancholic default. As though I can't remember why the world is beautiful.

So overall I feel like this year has involved the most literal re-enactment of childhood patterns. But also that it's actually good? I no longer think regression, per se, is egodystonic. I think it's necessary. Even if it's extended. I feel like, this entire time, the most childlike among us should have been my teachers.

sinku wrote:

jmtb02's games

Ball Revamped my beloved... I downloaded the flash archive late last year and replayed 2-4, it was such a trip down memory lane. (Turns out I am way worse at III.1 and III.2 when playing them on non-laggy computers!)

In HS I had a googlepages site that was rehosted a couple flash games, including those... It lasted about a year before googlepages were blanketbanned by our network admins.

maru wrote:

I also feel like whenever one is most childlike -- that's the ideal for a partner. When I'm most happy, I act like an enthusiastic kid.

Huh. I might be misunderstanding you, but I think the hyperactive wonder-filled / inner-child piece of me is - definitely missing what I consider my most important / valuable qualities w.r.t. being a good friend and partner? The wonder enthusiasm are good and important and very central to my self-conception, but - those emotional states aren't always what the people I care about want or need. For me, at least, there's a separate personalityshard that is running the kindness / patience / helpfulness / nurturing module that's been really important and valuable for building and sustaining the relationships that are important in my life.

I didn't mean exclusively. I meant if I can get into that state with someone, it's a good sign. I feel like I don't have a strongly constant self; it's about what someone else brings out of me.

Dear Diary,

Another warm day, cloudier, some rain.

Slept well, cooked well.

Made tea with fresh ginger for the first time in a long time.

Wanting for equilibrium and more love, more bliss

Always learning, unlearning

Attention is a kind of prayer

i long for something that can't be touched. time destroys the enjoyment in everything. every year a repeat of the last. i don't want to do the same thing. i've done it alll. stuck in myself. stuck in mild smiles. just comfortable enough. look over the horizon. it's the same one as always. is this really all there is? i want to see you again. but even if i do ill come back home eventually.

i want to pour myself into something and forget. destroy me.

morning is kind. everything has a softness to it. the light is warm, and newly sprouted leaves and flowers dance from my window. the complex simulation outside seems effortless. there's so much happening at once. i want to lie down and soak it in.

m slept in today, which is exceptionally rare. i was the one to wake her up for once, and i gave her a kiss on the forehead. i have a gift for her, later. i like throwing money at her.

i take a sip of coffee, glad i made the journey yesterday to get some more. the day is starting. 9 am is pulling me away. i'll be busy. i wish things could be this way forever.

Long day, winding down with kimchi, beer & chess.

Whoever is reading this, hope you feel a little better in this moment.

And if anyone has a book recommendation, would love one.

Just read Moby Dick for the first time and everything since has paled in comparison.

Lapis wrote:

sinku wrote:

jmtb02's games

Ball Revamped my beloved... I downloaded the flash archive late last year and replayed 2-4, it was such a trip down memory lane. (Turns out I am way worse at III.1 and III.2 when playing them on non-laggy computers!)

i find myself thinking about balloon in a wasteland sometimes. but looking back at his publishing history, i forgot how good the next floor, and dark cut 1-3 were. what a prolific guy

My favorite kind of mornings were the mornings where I'd wake an hour or so before anyone else did, and I could read books quietly as things starting shifting. I don't live with my family anymore but that's one thing I miss, it was a sort of beautiful experience.

I got covid at some point and it really started hitting me last tuesday. I was laying awake all that night with a horrible fever and I was too delerious to get up and take some paracetemol so I thought I was gonna die and I was praying a lot. So for a lot of the past week I have been running on fairly low sleep/weird scheduling, but it is blowing over now. I feel fairly normal again besides this general bodily lethargy and sore throat and mild congestion. I think the fever was the worst ive felt in forever.

i came down to [7e] for the first time in a while in order to see my dad again. 7e is, in many ways, the platonic ideal of a corpse. in the winter months that hang long and dreary, which are particularly pronounced on my part of the west-atlantic, it feels less than dead. in the spring and summer, though, its endlessly pretty. the long stretches of asphalt become mirrors for the sunlight. the overgrowth stretches its arms through the fallen roofs and decaying foundations to new homes. i can't bring myself to be disgusted by america. i'm still as fascinated as ever by rotting.

i've found a person that really makes me content. it's an almost surreal feeling, i don't know how colored by delusion my own feelings are, i can only hope they weren't delusional in the first place or that my delusion lasts a long while. sorority as a metaphor just never stops giving. its oh so simple. its oh so wonderful. the world is meant to be shared!

I guess I've been home for a while now. I was in New York for another week in the middle and now a few weeks have passed since then.

It's been a hectic work week; I've been taking advantage of being the lone coder at work to clean up a lot of items. I've been getting really into Proton services? And strangely obsessed with "how do I synchronise a spreadsheet"?

That is, there's not a lot of nice alternatives to Google Sheets. There's Collabora or whatever; it seems more like small business deployment. Cryptpad has an OnlyOffice integration, but it definitely does not work well on mobile devices. Proton Drive does not sync any folders locally on mobile devices, and trying to open straight into an application gets you hit with errors. So how can I remedy my spreadsheet addiction?

My guess has been — well, using Syncthing on a machine that has Proton Drive to then synchronise the spreadsheets onto the phones that need them, and then using desktops native interfaces. But I'm realising there's no way around that either because you need to open these files with a format that works on all of them. Do I move everything to ODF and LibreOffice on all machines? I just need a webapp spreadsheet. I don't need it to be crazy. Proton bought Standard Notes and it theoretically has spreadsheets, on the paid plan, and they might well incorporate that into Unlimited, making it tenable later. I know Obsidian has plugins for spreadsheets that might work but I don't need notes to be that crazy.

It's the kind of thing Microsoft 365 and iCloud Drive are amazing at. Doing cross-compatible document stuff is just an enormous pain.

Otherwise I finally finished a game. I feel freed up to go do something else ... but there's simply too much to do... I'm feeling paralysed.

it's strange… despite however many years i've been paying for proton mail, i've never really explored any of the other services. like, i already have a vpn, i already have a password manager, i don't have a use for a dropbox-like currently… so i'm not sure how to make the value-add work for me personally.
de-googling is a long-term goal of mine though, but maybe that also means i'm a touch wary of moving wholesale into another company's infrastructure.

and i've found obsidian's table support to be useful enough if you want to want to display and edit a little bit of info in a grid, and likely very challenging if you want to treat it like a spreadsheet and run formulas and do anything that requires inspecting its own contents. dataview is pretty hella as plugins go, but that's more about treating a corpus of notes as a database that you can run reports on, so it's not quite the same thing, and using it requires thinking about how you want to structure your notes so you can pull data from them later.

Wait. You don't have any shared storage at all? What about photos? What about — like — keeping recovery keys somewhere safe and accessible? Everything you do is by hand?

I can do a brief tally on this; I have

- an Android phone
- an iPad mini that serves as "a bigger phone when I am at home"
- a Mac mini I use as a NAS / general server and whatever
- a MacBook Pro I use for work
- a computer I treat as my "personal device" running Windows 11
- technically I can count the Steam Deck as a Computer if I really wanted

I keep a bunch of stuff I would like to edit from wherever place:

- I have a shared spreadsheet of my incoming revenue, expenses, capital gains, etc. each year for the past, like, decade
- I keep a spreadsheet of every book I've ever read
- and every book I've been recommended
- I monitor my basic net worth periodically
- I track my cost of living (a basic budget) and my actual expenditures maybe twice a year

I also keep my journal in plaintext so that I can add to it from jrnl.sh on any device. I keep literally any piece of personal data I need to verify my identity onhand so I can use it when I'm not at home. I keep my leases and whatever. I also, if I have a TON of space, like to start to collect Photoshop scraps or whatever in an easy place since I have Photoshop on two computers.

I also have photos going back to 2009 I like to search through by face, location, whatever, if I need to. A ton of avatars, wallpapers, memes, whatever...

hmmm, i wouldn't say that's true, but my setup might be more cobbled-together than most… i guess i can break this down into a few different categories:

for computers i use frequently that i want to talk to each other:

• my home desktop
• my home nas
• my android phone
• my work laptop (to some degree)

and then for the specific use cases:

passwords: been using bitwarden and it works well enough. i can also access it through my phone, which comes in handy every so often.
backups: the most important stuff on both the desktop and the nas gets backed up automatically via restic to a backblaze b2 pool. the one downside of this approach is that backup pools are encrypted, so if you want to restore a certain snapshot you have to download the whole thing. i really should spend some time thinking through how to make this more durable…
notebook: currently using obsidian with obsidian sync, which honestly has been worth the money for me. the primary vault is then synced to my phone, though i also have a couple work-related vaults that are synced between my laptop and desktop. i think this is the single thing i'm most mortified about losing – since this is effectively my external mind – so these folders also get lumped in with the other backup jobs and a lot in my life would have to go wrong for me to lose access to them for good.
images: i use and adore hydrus for image management, though it's unfortunately desktop-only (unless i want to jump through some hoops?). i also backup phone photos to desktop every so often, and all of my images are part of the restic backup.
every month the android photos app asks if i want to back up all my photos to google and i start frothing at the mouth. when i select no, it asks if it can just back up some of my photos instead and it makes me want to scream.
media: since i keep all of that on the nas, i can watch videos through jellyfin and listen to music through navidrome. i put perhaps a bit too much effort into making those libraries look nice, and i even set up hairpin nat so i can just type in a domain and get routed to the homepage for all my services!… well, if i'm on my local network, and if i'm on my network i can just get at the files directly.
it wouldn't be hard to add a couple extra router rules so that these can be accessed from anywhere in the world, but it also seems like another security risk to worry about. plus, if i'm planning to go anywhere for an extended period of time, it's assumed that there are more interesting things for me to be doing there than watching anime.

Fascinating. It's really cool how we all use stuff differently. I've been really basic — I wouldn't say my notes are my external brain at all. Like, I use OmniSync and stuff for task management, I have a calendar app, that's all good. But my notes are all quite basic. I basically never take notes. I tried shipping a Zettelkasken and my brain just doesn't work this way. I keep citations of books I like, but that's always been in super basic notepads.

Hydrus looks really cool. I wonder how it could be made to syndicate a little bit. Hmm.

I was basically only using Apple ecosystem for 2015-2024, and everything basically worked fine for my purposes. I didn't make associative graphs or cross-reference a lot (though Standard Notes actually lets you do a lot of that, which is theoretically cool).

i've been thinking about this demoscene image (also attached) for a while now, perhaps because the idea of a creative self that has gone into hiding speaks to me. but i'm especially touched by how she represents that self (yx) as an independent being – someone who luna's more in dialogue with than as someone she possesses. and i can't help but use this to think about how i conceptualize my creative self…

some of my close friends are plural, yet despite their best efforts i still remain a boring singlet.¹ but being around them has encouraged me to think about whether i could put a name to the different facets of myself. and i guess i can, but none of these names feel especially natural; they feel like post-hoc classifications rather than active beings inside me. so there's no unique watermoon inside that's pushing the buttons: it's just me… i think.

i do make jokes about "the demons" being responsible for some of my most batshit creative decisions – which i usually have the sense to filter out before release, except when i don't – yet now that i'm thinking about it, i feel like that makes the most sense at all? like, when i'm on the cusp of sleep or in a place where i can let my subconscious wander, random voices and images flood my mind with little ability to control them, except to record them and process them later. and i feel like these scattered dreams and hypnagogia play an important part in my process, and apparently that has come through to others.²

so i guess that's the closest answer to what my creative self is: an amorphous chorus whose whims i am powerless to guide.

but how about you? i'm curious how other people think about stuff like this…

---

¹ that's unfair to them; they've never seriously pressured me to become plural.
² "honestly the mood of "this is such a raw product of so many psyches that it feels like a dream, but not one i could ever have" that's on a lot of internet projects and locations hangs on you like an aura. you're probably a cryptid?"

watermoon wrote:

but i'm especially touched by how she represents that self (yx) as an independent being – someone who luna's more in dialogue with than as someone she possesses

It's kind of unnerving, but I can't put my finger on it. I have definitely had other voices, but they either felt outside of me entirely or like within the superset of "me". They did not feel like a splinter of myself, nor something I could name or have take the lead. In this particular case it's like she knocked out and some other thing just wrote and left a note for her.

I was disqualified once as a research subject for answering the question: “Do you ever hear voices in your head, otherworldly, heavenly &c” With “Only when I am paying attention.”

The universe is constantly singing to us if we’re willing to listen.

daemons et al.

It feels like a transitory time again. Apparently the full moon is the culmination of feelings and thoughts that started during the new moon -- and this full moon corresponds to July 5th, when I really started to consider making some significant life changes...

All that is prelude, though -- the changes were probably going to occur anyway. I want people to visit during August...

I've been getting things ready for the Japan trip. I sort of want to start a travelogue thread while I'm here, and maybe I can convince Rebecca to use it too. Probably deactivate most other apps...

What's everyone else been up to?

You should do it, maru! That would be a neat thread. I hope you enjoy the trip!!

I spent all day figuring out the issue with my bike and kludging it to work which I posted about earlier. I'm gonna go to a junkyard or something, try and find some parts before resorting to buying anything stupid expensive off the internet... Tomorrow I will be going and handing out flyers again if the weather is good.

Travelogue sounds awesome!

I feel like I'm in the swing of some things and being a hypochondriac about others, I have enough social engagements I'm managing them through my calendar and it's nice.

Discovered a tiny social media site with a very specific purpose (scriptbin, it's for audio scripts) and the devops side is "Oh, we're just running this on a local machine in the netherlands somewhere" was beautiful, it's a sort of side of people doing projects and work I adore.

journal post time.

ive been very sad lately. not just sad, but like a big swirl of anxiety and discontent and sadness about all sorts of things going on in my life right now. DEPRESSED MAYBE? i guess that could be it. i did go off my meds, but i stopped taking them completely like, a while ago ... maybe it just took that long. maybe its the moon. theres an eclipse tomorrow.

I posted about it in the bike thread, but my bike broke down and I am feeling a lil nervous about putting it back together, cuz i tore it all down to get the carb out, and then im worried about it starting again if i DO get it together. I had to send an email canceling an interview (third one i was gonna have with this company) because the bike broke down on the monster commute to that potential job .. ive been feeling crushed, like crying all the time, thinking about whether i have cancer, but a lot of this is without reason. there is no reason because I am safe, my family is there and helping me, there are kind people helping me, i even met a random old couple after my bike broke down, who let me into their house and gave me coffee and we chatted the whole time until my dad came and picked me up. im not unmoored and drifting, but im still this bundle of nerves and calculations that arent getting me anywhere.

hugs the simone

even when things are objectively good from the outside stuff happening overwhelms easily, hoping things get easier for you.